It's been just about a half of a year since I last posted. That holds some significance for me. It means that I am now on the opposite side of the sun and galaxy than I was six months ago ( we make one full trip around the sun in a year, so, in six months, we are 1/2 way around) It's my understanding that the average distance from the Earth to the Sun is 149,597,890 km which is the radius of the earth's orbit. I can figure that the circumference of that orbit is the radius times pi times two. so then I took half of that and converted to miles and came up with a distance of 293,734,770 miles traveled in the past 6 months.
It's hard for me to visualize that kind of distance, because it is so long. Without this world, I couldn't have traveled that far. This helps me not hate this world. It also helps me realize that all the changes that have occurred in my life the past six months are so insignificant to miles traveled. The most rewarding change was the adoption of a beautiful retired racing greyhound. She is such a lover and has made a perfect fit in my family.
I also lost my job about 146,867,385 miles ago. It's easy to look back now and realize that this was a good thing (especially after reading my earlier post) but at the time came as a crushing blow. I suffer from depression, it's in my genes. This was the first job I was fired from, and I really felt rejected by the owner of the company and betrayed by my manager. She told me when she fired me that they had been discussing it for over a month, so it was really lousy to know that I could have had a month of planning before I was let go.
I do have another job now. I love some parts of it and I dislike some others. It's only part time, but it really is a prestigious position in my field, and I still make quite a bit of money. Some days are better than others, but I remind myself that I am still new, and still learning, so there is bound to be some discomfort here and there.
Unfortunately, after I was fired, I sunk into a dark place. I've never been so low before and some of the thoughts that were sticking around in my head were quite disturbing to live with, so I self medicated, which didn't do much to solve any issues. Eventually I sought help and guidance. I'd like to say I'm "all better now" but the truth is, I'm just different now. It seems like I have more ups and downs than I did before and sometimes, when I'm down, I feel as bad as before. And the ups? well they have been good, but not as frequent as I like.
I'm still on a quest to find myself, but as distracted as ever. I've gone off drugs, I took more drugs, and I quit again. They haven't helped in the long run, so I really don't have room for them, not when I have so far to travel yet.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
Looks like somebody has a case of the Mondays
I am not happy today. Last week was a tough week and I hope this week is easier to deal with. The week started with a vehicular breakdown. We currently have two vehicles, the old, old 1995 honda minivan that I drive and the 2003 ford that my wife drives. The Honda received a grim prognosis on her last visit to the mechanic. He told me to start shopping for a new car. Well, I still haven't won lotto yet, so a transportation upgrade is on hold. Of course, she is still getting me around town, and it was the Ford that decided to fail us.
As much as a "do it yourself" type of guy that I am, cars are where I draw the line, so when we have a breakdown like this, I tend to feel a bit helpless. I'm guessing that it's the transmission, but unfortunately, the transmission place we had it towed to said it would be ready last Thursday. Well, it's Monday now, and we still don't have our car back, which, at this point, is good, because that means we also haven't had to pay for the repairs yet.
Alright, let's skip back to the middle of last week... money was tight, with a looming repair bill (Still looming!) and we were preparing for a birthday party for our now 10 year old twin boys. I had planned to take last Friday off to help clean and get ready for the party, which was on Saturday. Money issues stress me out, and I don't really do the best job of communicating when that happens, so I had kind of locked up. I did let my wife know that I was having a hard time, but I didn't see the sense in letting my worries become her worries. We did talk it out finally, mainly so I could put her at ease that I wasn't upset with her.
My cat, in the mean time, stopped eating and was barely drinking. She's been a heavy cat and was diagnosed with diabetes years ago and has been on a special diet. She was interested in food, just not the stuff I was offering, so I gave her some turkey and then went out and got her some soft foods. She still didn't eat or drink much, but she seemed happy and was still the snuggly lover that came out of her shell once her sister passed away last fall. Well, thank God I had taken Friday off to clean. Mookie, my cat, puked up that morning. It was the first time she was really displaying any illness in all of this. She seemed to be ok after that and spent the rest of the morning on our bed.
I hung out with her for a bit, in between driving my mom to the hospital for a test and then going back to pick her up afterwards. When I got back, Mookie was still sleeping on my bed. I laid on the bed with my laptop, checking who knows what, and then got up to help clean. I heard Mookie let out a sad sounding "meow" and looked to see that she had moved over to where I just was on the bed. She then started shifting her weight off the bad, and it appeared if she was just going to drop, so I reached out and helped her down. She was dead weight, so I set her down on the ground and got my wife.
Mookie had limped off to the laundry room and into the base of the kitty tower we had in there. We called the vet and made an appointment to bring her in. She seemed to be breathing very rapidly and her tongue was kind of hanging out. I think she might have had a stroke. I asked my wife is she thought I should just let Mookie be, or if I should snuggle with her. My wife said I should go be with her, which I think I knew, but I needed to be told. Mookie never made it to the vet alive. She died in my lap as we drove there. It was a very emotional drive for us. Her breathing was erratic and was indicative that she was leaving us. I rubbed her belly and stroked her fur as I told her how much I loved her and how grateful I was to have had her be a part of my life. I scratched her head just the way I knew she liked it and told her it was ok to let go and be with her sister in kitty heaven.
I really believe I was able to help her pass on calmly. I miss her so much right now and wish so much that I could have spent a little more time with her. I hurt so much because she was such a wonderful part of my life. Goodbye Mookie
As much as a "do it yourself" type of guy that I am, cars are where I draw the line, so when we have a breakdown like this, I tend to feel a bit helpless. I'm guessing that it's the transmission, but unfortunately, the transmission place we had it towed to said it would be ready last Thursday. Well, it's Monday now, and we still don't have our car back, which, at this point, is good, because that means we also haven't had to pay for the repairs yet.
Alright, let's skip back to the middle of last week... money was tight, with a looming repair bill (Still looming!) and we were preparing for a birthday party for our now 10 year old twin boys. I had planned to take last Friday off to help clean and get ready for the party, which was on Saturday. Money issues stress me out, and I don't really do the best job of communicating when that happens, so I had kind of locked up. I did let my wife know that I was having a hard time, but I didn't see the sense in letting my worries become her worries. We did talk it out finally, mainly so I could put her at ease that I wasn't upset with her.
My cat, in the mean time, stopped eating and was barely drinking. She's been a heavy cat and was diagnosed with diabetes years ago and has been on a special diet. She was interested in food, just not the stuff I was offering, so I gave her some turkey and then went out and got her some soft foods. She still didn't eat or drink much, but she seemed happy and was still the snuggly lover that came out of her shell once her sister passed away last fall. Well, thank God I had taken Friday off to clean. Mookie, my cat, puked up that morning. It was the first time she was really displaying any illness in all of this. She seemed to be ok after that and spent the rest of the morning on our bed.
I hung out with her for a bit, in between driving my mom to the hospital for a test and then going back to pick her up afterwards. When I got back, Mookie was still sleeping on my bed. I laid on the bed with my laptop, checking who knows what, and then got up to help clean. I heard Mookie let out a sad sounding "meow" and looked to see that she had moved over to where I just was on the bed. She then started shifting her weight off the bad, and it appeared if she was just going to drop, so I reached out and helped her down. She was dead weight, so I set her down on the ground and got my wife.
Mookie had limped off to the laundry room and into the base of the kitty tower we had in there. We called the vet and made an appointment to bring her in. She seemed to be breathing very rapidly and her tongue was kind of hanging out. I think she might have had a stroke. I asked my wife is she thought I should just let Mookie be, or if I should snuggle with her. My wife said I should go be with her, which I think I knew, but I needed to be told. Mookie never made it to the vet alive. She died in my lap as we drove there. It was a very emotional drive for us. Her breathing was erratic and was indicative that she was leaving us. I rubbed her belly and stroked her fur as I told her how much I loved her and how grateful I was to have had her be a part of my life. I scratched her head just the way I knew she liked it and told her it was ok to let go and be with her sister in kitty heaven.
I really believe I was able to help her pass on calmly. I miss her so much right now and wish so much that I could have spent a little more time with her. I hurt so much because she was such a wonderful part of my life. Goodbye Mookie
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Waiting...
"Dad had a really boring day today. He had to answer a few calls, then he had to make two calls and then he had to unbox some equipment that came in. He said that he thinks that he may become a writer, but he doesn't know what he is going to write. Maybe I can help him"
Those were the last words I heard before I went to sleep last night. It was Trevor, one of my sons giving my wife a recap of an earlier conversation I had with him. I have three boys and I love them all so much. For me, the hardest part of having kids is seeing myself in them. It's not that I hate myself, but I'm pretty good at beating myself up. I recently attended Trevor's school conference. He had given himself a review and was much harder on himself than he should have been. I felt his pain as his teacher explained that he struggles with writing assignments. I have some pretty vivid memories of my second grade teacher pulling me out of class during a writing assignment because I was so upset that I couldn't think of anything to write that I had started silently crying.
I don't really know if writing is a good choice for me. As a student, I struggled with writing assignments. In college, I stopped attending my composition class my first semester. I enjoyed the class and had a great teacher. I bumped into him in a stairwell and he stopped me to tell me that he missed seeing me in class and asked why I wasn't attending. "Can you do me a favor?" I asked, "Can you be harder on me when grading my stories, like be brutal?" I hadn't really put the finger on it until that point, but that was it, I stopped attending class because I felt like I was getting better grades than I deserved.
I've always been hard on myself. I rarely feel like I fit in and think often think that I am much different than others. I'm almost 37 years old and I feel like I've never become the adult I should have. I lack ambition and am easily distracted. The company I work for is a successful business, but our location seems to be on life support. If it wasn't for some of our other locations keeping us afloat, I think our doors would have been closed over a year ago.
But the doors are still open, and I do receive a paycheck every other week, so I stay, but it can get to me. It can be depressing and scary, and sometimes aggravating. The truth is, I don't care about this company. I am grateful that I am employed, but there is nothing keeping me here other than that steady paycheck. I have decided to get dirty and uncomfortable and start exploring some options.
I've taken some online career planning tests, only to find that none of the careers they were trying to match me with would be ideal for me. I've ordered a could of books to try and help me. I've already received one, but I seem to be stuck on it. I need to do some activities and I seem to be doing a much better job avoiding them than doing them. Too bad I haven't found a career that can utilize my stalling tactics... yet
Those were the last words I heard before I went to sleep last night. It was Trevor, one of my sons giving my wife a recap of an earlier conversation I had with him. I have three boys and I love them all so much. For me, the hardest part of having kids is seeing myself in them. It's not that I hate myself, but I'm pretty good at beating myself up. I recently attended Trevor's school conference. He had given himself a review and was much harder on himself than he should have been. I felt his pain as his teacher explained that he struggles with writing assignments. I have some pretty vivid memories of my second grade teacher pulling me out of class during a writing assignment because I was so upset that I couldn't think of anything to write that I had started silently crying.
I don't really know if writing is a good choice for me. As a student, I struggled with writing assignments. In college, I stopped attending my composition class my first semester. I enjoyed the class and had a great teacher. I bumped into him in a stairwell and he stopped me to tell me that he missed seeing me in class and asked why I wasn't attending. "Can you do me a favor?" I asked, "Can you be harder on me when grading my stories, like be brutal?" I hadn't really put the finger on it until that point, but that was it, I stopped attending class because I felt like I was getting better grades than I deserved.
I've always been hard on myself. I rarely feel like I fit in and think often think that I am much different than others. I'm almost 37 years old and I feel like I've never become the adult I should have. I lack ambition and am easily distracted. The company I work for is a successful business, but our location seems to be on life support. If it wasn't for some of our other locations keeping us afloat, I think our doors would have been closed over a year ago.
But the doors are still open, and I do receive a paycheck every other week, so I stay, but it can get to me. It can be depressing and scary, and sometimes aggravating. The truth is, I don't care about this company. I am grateful that I am employed, but there is nothing keeping me here other than that steady paycheck. I have decided to get dirty and uncomfortable and start exploring some options.
I've taken some online career planning tests, only to find that none of the careers they were trying to match me with would be ideal for me. I've ordered a could of books to try and help me. I've already received one, but I seem to be stuck on it. I need to do some activities and I seem to be doing a much better job avoiding them than doing them. Too bad I haven't found a career that can utilize my stalling tactics... yet
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